Vick's Vapor Rub

Lawyer-types say they may have enough evidence to convict Michael Vick in the dog-fighting case. So Vick's now gotten in trouble for herpes, weed, and pit-bulls...or, as I like to call it, 'The 3 Things You Can Always Find On a Snoop Dogg Music Video Shoot'.

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Beast of Burden

In a new NBC poll, many Americans say they're considering buying a hybrid vehicle to combat the rising gas prices. Now if only scientists could create a hybrid Mick Jagger, maybe they could lower the price of Stones tickets. I don't know...maybe.

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Medicated Culture

Drug Company Merck said on Monday that it's developing a cholesterol-lowering product that combines their drug, Zetia, with Pfizer's Lipitor, stating, "People are moronic enough to combine these drugs anyway, why not charge them for it". Besides, the last time two industry behemoths teamed up (Rap & Metal) the results were otherworldly.

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Assassination Vacation Video

New footage of JFK's assassination in Dallas, TX was released. Apparently in this angle you can actually see the Second Gunman...and it's Lee Harvey Oswald as well. So he definitely, definitely did it.

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The "New" ADD

Researchers have found that "math anxiety" actually harms the brain cells needed to do math...If 2+2=4 makes you nervous, then you don't have any brain cells to begin with.

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Fox Noose Channel

The Fox News Channel launches its Daily Show-esque news satire show this Sunday at 10pm. Other major news networks are expected to follow suit:
CNN hopes to have 'The Late Show with Wolf Blitzer' up and running by July; Headline News is going to take Nancy Grace's show, put it on 2 hours later, and give her a funny hat and a pipe; and CNBC is just going to play clips from Ringling Brothers & Barnum & Bailey Circus after 11pm.

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Tangled Web

President Bush's uncle, William H. T. "Bucky" Bush, is tangled in an SEC stock options probe. Meanwhile, President Bush's cousin, Billy Bush--host of TV's Access Hollywood--said he's never been probed by anything except two guys at the same time.

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Pink Cadillacs

Avon Cosmetics produced higher-than-expected fourth quarter earnings last year...So, to sum up 2006:
- War in Middle East lasts longer than WWII
- North Korea sets off a Nuke while Iran builds one
- People wear a lot of make up

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Global Oven

There are reports that Global Warming may be having a negative effect on California's wine industry...leaving many to wonder how long it'll take the Red Hot Chili Peppers to use it as an excuse to write another song about California.

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Firepants

A man's cell phone ignited in his pocket, starting a fire which burned down his entire hotel room. The man said he would have called the fire department as soon as it happened, but he wanted to wait til after 9pm when it didnt count against his minutes.

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Predator 3

MySpace is working on a tool to block sex offenders from its popular social networking site. They said that they would have come up with something sooner but nobody wants to lose three-quarters of their business.

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Space For Rent, Ohio

Officials in Ohio are considering a Spaceport deal which would make the state a hub for privatized space exploration, reasoning, "Nowhere is the desire to leave this planet greater than in Ohio."

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Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman is currently America's highest paid actress...providing hope everywhere for women who were dumped by scientologists and are now married to drunks.

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1 in 32 Ain't Bad

Apparently 1 in 32 adults in the U.S. is incarcerated...
The rest just have shitty jobs.

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