Ripping on Random Flickr Photos - #3

Hey blonde lady, could you please turn your head toward the camera so I can see how hot you are? Alas, she's doomed to remain another Mystery Blonde--where you see the blonde-ness but can't verify the hotness.

It goes without saying that the centerpiece of this photo--the human gaffe in the cornflower blue Dickies dress shirt--is scum. This Human Gaffe spits his weak-kneed game of flirting at our Mystery Blonde; which more than anything is just complaining.

When Mystery Blonde fills the godforsaken awkwardness with stories of her recent activities, The Human Gaffe is crushed by tales of parties he didn't know about, events he was not invited to, and the blistering parade of paranoia-induced images in his own mind of other men that she must have met--and subsequently balled--during and after these feasts of youth.

This is Act I in an eternally re-occuring scenario wherein--in Act II--he returns to his apartment after a cold walk home and wishes he owned a handgun.

Ripping on Random Flickr Photos - #2

Fresh off his 9th Tour in Iraq--which this time included a covert mission to recover a trash bag full of severed heads (c/o Al Qaeda in Iraq) and yet another round of "fight the boredom by seeing whose body can overheat the fastest"--this brave soldier returns home to find his Army "killin money" has been so briskly spent on whatever sectional couch Sam's Club had marked down b/c it was a floor item. But it may take more than bravery to corral the nerve to ask his wife why one of their kids is "tanner" than the other. Perhaps that's why she's holding the newer baby more down-and-to-the-left of the nuclear family...no use in giving her hubby more post-traumatic-stress than he already has.

Ripping on Random Flickr Photos - #1

Hmm...
The Four-Fat-Girls-&-One-Hot-One Club convene for their quad-annual "Let's get drunk" party. But everyone either 'has to pick up the kids later' or 'needs to quit drinking for a while' so they all just share a Scorpion Bowl. The one in the Red V-Neck--the lonely schoolteacher--does get wasted however, and cries. Her students are tearing her apart with insults and she's mildly attracted to the class asshole, which leaves her feeling guilty and dirty and non-Churchy. Surprisingly, Black Sweater--with adult-onset Wretched Mouth Disease--looks to be the least creepy and the one I'd most trust filing my medical records...which I'm sure she does. Dreadlocks in the bkd. tries to git with Red V-Neck after the rest head home to their families/boyfriends/violent boyfriends. Red V-Neck is flattered by Dreadlocks' advances, and lets him buy her a Banana Split with his discount...and then lets him lick her ear. But she shuts it down after that, gives him an old email address, and drives her Corolla home to catch 'Joureyman' on NBC.

(link to Flickr photo)

Selective Memory Loss

A new study reports that the younger, tech-savvy crowd have a hard time remembering things like birthdays and phone numbers because they rely on their electronic organizers to do it for them. Now if they could only have a hard time remembering how to beat me out for all the jobs I apply for, then I could find a study like that useful.

(link)

Booze vs. Weed

A 10th grade student in Canada was suspended for saying that alcohol is actually more harmful than marijuana. So does he mean to tell me that all those Medicinal Irish Car Bombs my Uncle Hank bought me were bullshat?

(link)

Vick's Vapor Rub

Lawyer-types say they may have enough evidence to convict Michael Vick in the dog-fighting case. So Vick's now gotten in trouble for herpes, weed, and pit-bulls...or, as I like to call it, 'The 3 Things You Can Always Find On a Snoop Dogg Music Video Shoot'.

(link)

Beast of Burden

In a new NBC poll, many Americans say they're considering buying a hybrid vehicle to combat the rising gas prices. Now if only scientists could create a hybrid Mick Jagger, maybe they could lower the price of Stones tickets. I don't know...maybe.

(link)

Medicated Culture

Drug Company Merck said on Monday that it's developing a cholesterol-lowering product that combines their drug, Zetia, with Pfizer's Lipitor, stating, "People are moronic enough to combine these drugs anyway, why not charge them for it". Besides, the last time two industry behemoths teamed up (Rap & Metal) the results were otherworldly.

(link)

Assassination Vacation Video

New footage of JFK's assassination in Dallas, TX was released. Apparently in this angle you can actually see the Second Gunman...and it's Lee Harvey Oswald as well. So he definitely, definitely did it.

(link)

The "New" ADD

Researchers have found that "math anxiety" actually harms the brain cells needed to do math...If 2+2=4 makes you nervous, then you don't have any brain cells to begin with.

(link)

Fox Noose Channel

The Fox News Channel launches its Daily Show-esque news satire show this Sunday at 10pm. Other major news networks are expected to follow suit:
CNN hopes to have 'The Late Show with Wolf Blitzer' up and running by July; Headline News is going to take Nancy Grace's show, put it on 2 hours later, and give her a funny hat and a pipe; and CNBC is just going to play clips from Ringling Brothers & Barnum & Bailey Circus after 11pm.

(link)

Tangled Web

President Bush's uncle, William H. T. "Bucky" Bush, is tangled in an SEC stock options probe. Meanwhile, President Bush's cousin, Billy Bush--host of TV's Access Hollywood--said he's never been probed by anything except two guys at the same time.

(link)

Pink Cadillacs

Avon Cosmetics produced higher-than-expected fourth quarter earnings last year...So, to sum up 2006:
- War in Middle East lasts longer than WWII
- North Korea sets off a Nuke while Iran builds one
- People wear a lot of make up

(link)

Global Oven

There are reports that Global Warming may be having a negative effect on California's wine industry...leaving many to wonder how long it'll take the Red Hot Chili Peppers to use it as an excuse to write another song about California.

(link)

Firepants

A man's cell phone ignited in his pocket, starting a fire which burned down his entire hotel room. The man said he would have called the fire department as soon as it happened, but he wanted to wait til after 9pm when it didnt count against his minutes.

(link)

Predator 3

MySpace is working on a tool to block sex offenders from its popular social networking site. They said that they would have come up with something sooner but nobody wants to lose three-quarters of their business.

(link)

Space For Rent, Ohio

Officials in Ohio are considering a Spaceport deal which would make the state a hub for privatized space exploration, reasoning, "Nowhere is the desire to leave this planet greater than in Ohio."

(link)

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman is currently America's highest paid actress...providing hope everywhere for women who were dumped by scientologists and are now married to drunks.

(link)

1 in 32 Ain't Bad

Apparently 1 in 32 adults in the U.S. is incarcerated...
The rest just have shitty jobs.

(link)